date: 02/07/23
song: How The Sky Was
Wow I don't even know where to start. Haven't updated in a year. Spent a lot of time in Australia last year. Married M on January 9th of this year. It was perfect. I never cared for a blown out big wedding, always felt like a waste of money to me entertaining other people. Instead, we basically eloped. I was more than content with a standardized courthouse marriage but M surprised me with a beach matrimony. There were flickering in the waves and quickly realized there were a school of rays. The sands were white, the sky was clear and the ocean was sparkling blue. Still can't believe we're married.
date: 02/26/22
song: This Love
This isn't a game to me. This isn't fun. I get absolutely nothing from this. But being an open book is getting old. No one bothers to read, they just want the self-gratification of scribbling all over. To continue living like this is just plain painful and torturous. I've been hindering my own growth by not setting boundaries. Sufferer of Peter Pan/Wendy Syndrome. There's so much in my life to look forward to yet I can't see the forest for the trees. I'm sick of hurting everyone around me, especially those who move mountains for me. I contacted my best friend today. She randomly mailed me a replacement necklace that I lost a long, long time ago. She found an authentic version, too. I'm sucha piece of $hit. I've avoided her since I've been in this hole. Selfishness. Time to start making conscious choices that serve me. That shape me into the best, most healthy version of myself to present to those who genuinely care for me. Can't say that I feel better, in fact, I feel worse as of this moment but I guess the weight isn't as heavy anymore. Learned a lot since I started writing here. Being able to have an archive of my word vomit has been insightful -and not in a good way. I knew I was not doing too hot but I didn't realize how whiny I sound. Now my eyes are watering. It just hurts to say goodbye. To old thought patterns, to the old me, old habits. Change is not something I've ever been fond of -even good change. I enjoy my routine, my rituals. But I want to want to l!ve and I want to want to feel al!ve. There comes a point where you finish the chapter and have to turn the page. I'm always one to go back and re-read or skim paragraphs over and over again, reading in between the lines just to make sure I didn't miss anything, judging the fonts, whether or not each tail matches, or never even finishing the book cause I don't want to know the ending. I'm scared... but eventually you have to move on if you want to finish the book. You have to keep going no matter how in love with that chapter you were, how exciting it was, how vivid. You won't get the full story until you just turn the stupid page. What I'm really tryna say is that the carnival is over.
date: 02/25/22
song: A lot Like Birds ~ The Sound of Us
Been in a wormhole for the past 7 hrs straight. Rolled out my mat and just collapsed. I want to cry so bad, I know it'll be catharic but my tear ducts are gatekeeping. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally just...broken down. Malnourished. Empty. Void. I feel like there's a point of no return. Keep telling myself it's the Winter. To just ride it out. This happens every year yet I keep believing that these feelings are real. Psychosis. I know this is unhealthy. Unsustainable. Picking up the phone has been on the backburner for months. Self-deprecation is my self-defense. This is seriously no way to live. Refuse to be a broken record. I have to get it together. Something has to give.
date: 02/23/22
song: Ethel Cain ~ Lilies
Oof okay. This is going to be an elaborate entry. It's been three whole days since I been on. Much needed break from processing anything in my mind. Fasting for the next two days as I contemplate the revelations that appeared. White Coat Ceremony was full of mixed emotions. Immensely proud but at the same time can't help but feel as if I drank the final drop of K00l4!d. Initiation. Close your eyes. Don't breathe. All heavyness aside, I felt like Happy Gilmore when he finally gets his gold jacket. They really know how to prick your sinuses with their
date: 02/19/22
song: Giovanni Battista Pergolesi ~ Stabat Mater
Sipping my glass of Chianti. Received it as a gift during the holidays and I laugh everytime because it reminds me of Lloyd Christmas. You know, sometimes my cocky-ness shows me who's boss. Last time I vented about having to show everyone subQ injections... smh those weren't subQ, those were intradermal (think allergy testing). *face palm* TODAAAAYYYY we learned subQ -_- I know what I meant. But basically intradermal is like slightly underneath the skin, angled at about 15 degrees. So easily missed if kinda nervous about starting an IV. Had to correct myself there. We used one of those cushion-y kid's toy football today to practice subQ which is when you have to pinch the skin and hit it at 45 degrees, which is mostly used for insulin. Also learned how to draw it up mixed and reconstitute. I remember being so anxious to learn all this and it seemed like such a huge mountain a long, long time ago. It was surreal looking around observing everyone shoot up footballs in the sense like, realizing we're here, we're this far and it just came naturally. It always helps being ahead as well. Even before the semester started and I was on my break, I spent two-ish weeks practicing dosage calculations. Today, we took our exam and I breezed through it, making an A. I felt bad cause a buncha people had to retake it then I don't know what happened after that. Apparently you get like two times to make an A before they ask you to leave the program. Ruthless. Found a dress for my ceremony. It's always so degrading trying on clothes. Especially cause my body is constantly fluctuating. Eversince I got thicc, my boobs blossomed. But over the last month I've lost 10 lbs. So now I have like these child-bearing hips but tiny chest. I don't mind it. I prefer being tiny, it's just these damn hips, makes everything fit weird cause it'll be flattering on the bottom but roomy on top. *sigh* this is exactly why I already made a vow not to invest in any new clothes until I lose more. For my height, double digits is perfect. Before shuffling, I was so confident. I loved my body. Supple in all the right places; cherub-like. Dancing has dug up the Dysmorphia Demon. Seeing yourself on film can truly make or break you. It's the real reason why I don't post anymore and this is the first time I've expressed it outloud. My ultimate goal is to fit Russian ballet's standards but I'll settle slightly above. Shoulda never seen ~The Chart~. Evil. Insidious. Really tragic but I try not to trip about it too hard. Speaking of tripping, it's really erratic having someone cry to you about your detachement. I harbor a lot of emotion, I just learned how pointless it is to let it out. Most the time, no one cares or they're secretly glad you're miserable. But to be accused of being this cutthroat person is shocking. In fact, I have more feelings than anyone I think. There's just some stuff I rather suffer in silence with, doesn't mean I'm an ice queen. I mean look at what I'm listening to. This song is an ancient hymn about the crucifixion of the Virgin Mary. It's basically wailing. No, I am not catholic nor believe in religion but everytime I taste wine, I have to listen to my favorite opera ballads. Running a bubble bath now, gonna top this off then probably watch a mobster movie cause I'm fancy.
date: 02/18/22
song: sada$$ song
It just turned 4am and as soon as I lay my head on my silky, pink pillow, that tingling sensation behind my eyes and throughout my sinuses occurs. Last time I sobbed was at the airport watching planes take off. And that was just hormones. It's not even that. God, I feel so fkn stupid and awful. Don't even know what triggered it, just hit me out of nowhere. Come down. Calm down! I'm upset over something that happened last early Autumn that I am not over. So ashamed even bringing it up again. Regret. Licked my wounds for awhile and then kinda went through the motions. Now I can't help but question everything. Am I doing the right thing? I know what I want but I have what I need. Never felt so hung up. I miss my dog. I miss Lennon. I need oxytocin or synthetic Pitocin. Pity party free-zone. Two, now three Melatonin. Trickster. Hard to swallow. Static cling cries.
date: 02/17/22
song: Radio Slave ~ Repeat Myself
Stayed after my exam and practiced IV's "the medical way". They kept doing subQ and I had to explain how they'd feel that pocket and the needle'll slide right in. Felt super drained being around everyone though so I took off. Aced my first exam for this particular course. Can barely keep my eyes open. Now I have to review for my dosage calculations and skills check off. White coat ceremony next week which apparently is a big deal. When I stop and reflect I am astonished that someone like me is actually in this field, not only that but my performance is exceptional. And I don't mean to brag, but my logic is like, I'm gonna have another human's life in my hands. Literally life or death. I cannot mess up, I have to know every meticulous detail. It's a lot of responsibilty and sometimes I question if I am sure. Really coulda took shortcuts in life, the chances fell in my lap out of luck -- but I possess a servant's heart. Maybe I'm in it for the adrenaline. It's disheartening stumbling across people I grew up with who chose other routes, sometimes even paths I opted out of, and are literally doing the exact same things they were doing 5 years ago or way worse. Being apart of that nightlife scene... doesn't it get old? I don't even like live music anymore. The smells and screaming make me shudder just thinking about. Going to a badass dance festival across the world is a different story. At least people are moving their bodies and doing something with their time other than just recording non-stop and "being seen". Cutting my hair soon, nothing too drastic, just gonna get like face-framing layers, think early 2000s. I just love when my tendrils are shorter because they curl up and I feel adorable. This girl was shocked when I showed her the length last year and she couldn't believe how much it's grown. Well yeah...it's really healthy cause I don't use any heat and I never dye my hair. Nothing worse than burnt-scent fried hair. Braveheart gang. Don't understand the concept of dye it always looks bad, especially unnatural colors it just screams "I'M INSANE!" Well everyone is a little but at least try to keep it under wraps (;
song: Bladee ~ Sentence
Made ginger-miso tahini and went to pull out my kale. But it was just...gone. Disappeared out of thin air. I cannot make this sh!t up. I had bought two bunches last night. I searched everywhere, high and low. Unreal. Was really looking forward to massaging it. Experiencing anxiety. Feeling spacey. Been on discord all day studying. Confusion. Sometimes I swear I am two different people. Not in like a split personality way, but like there's half of me that conflicts with the other. Heart vs mind. Long hair vs skinhead. Past vs future. Yesterday I was venting about being a recluse yet here I am today, social butterfly self. One day I am in love with every aspect of my life the next I have the urge to destroy and burn down every bridge in my path. Extreme has always been part of my DNA. I get off on how much I can get away with. I've gotten a lot better though, I've found my edge. I resent it. Assumed I'd grow out of it, yet the wildcard stitched in me expects life is what we make it. Whatever happens, happens. I believe this is single-handedly the most important lesson I learned eversince. Breathing and beating is not forever. I don't know. Ungrateful. Traumatized. Potential mommy-issues. Adored with every fabric of his being, soul-infused sentences in every poem, entire existence funded, supports every spell. I reflect with walls of impenetrable graphene. Terrified of the other side of the coin.
date: 02/15/22
song: Dj Billybool ~ Deutsche Bank
I miss the sensations I felt last week. My goal for the rest of the week is to get back to that. Instead of checking in Friday morning like I usually do, I dare not. I will re-check next Friday instead. Recoup. Pushing myself to my limit has left my brain shattered. Slept for 12 hrs. Still feel half-way alive. I'll stay after class tonight and dance till I sweat the rest out. Gym's so nice. The floors there are sooo *chef's kiss*! Last time, two of my friends were with me and it was only until I paused my music did I realize these stupid Cloudfoams were squeaking. So embarassing hehe but they didn't seem to mind. However, I do have my Superstars on me so it's a match made in heaven. Lately, I've been considering teaching yoga again. Was definitley not about making money (I was broke as hell) but the accountability and heated rooms kept me sane. It's different being in a group of people than alone. Though, I feel extremely awkward now. To be honest, like borderline on the spectrum. The social distancing stuff didn't help. Was a perfect excuse for me as a die-hard introvert to truly lock myself away for two years. Unfortunately, now when I'm around other humanoids, I'm so weird. I mean, I feel like most people are always trying to throw "filler" into convos. Whereas I can't stand small talk. I speak when spoken too and I usually am marinating in my next sentence before it tumbles out. That's why I also find it ironic that I have somewhat of a little entourage when I'm on campus. Always tryna hide in the library but they end up finding me. Like I wonder if everyone just thinks it's a facade and I'm the misunderstood loner. No, there's nothing to understand. I just don't typically like what everyone else likes so I guess I prefer to stay away. Cause one thing about me, is I'm always gonna speak my mind. So if I hurt anyone's feelings with my honesty, that's completely on them. I suppose I am avoiding that. One deep. That's why too when I do finally open up and it's not reciprocated I'm pulp. I close back up like a bear trap. Wish me luck, gonna rahw-dawhg the next 48 hrs of reality. Blegh!
song: VilloVilduVeta ~ Paradise Hotel
High hopes. Yesterday I nearly fainted, this is twice now in one week. It was honestly really scary cause it came out of nowhere. Re-reading my last entries. Dang. I sound super deprsd. I mean I would try to be more lively I guess. But these are my feelings at the moment. Word vomit. It was so cold last night. It makes my body ache. Always wonder how people who live in icy places deal with it. Pretty and pure. I love snow sparkling in the moon beam. I would 100% learn to live with it if I could visit/live somewhere that lit, like Stockholm. The song I posted is from a Swedish artist. Curious as to what kind of magick they're into up there (I'm playing dumb, I know what it is) they're on some other $h!t. Moving out the country has been on my mind lately. Clean slate. The mental anguish I go through daily has a silver lining. Endless oppurtunity. I can go anywhere I want, be anyone I want. Not only that but the glances I catch from wandering eyes is one of honor. A hero? Let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet. Wish I could share details of my day-to-day experiences in my clinicals but nOt AlLoWeD. I been really into heavy, dark German techno lately. I had been, but recently found this station off radio garden. The bpm is so refreshing. Steady 125 to like 135-140 bpm has my footwork crispy. Feels like I sold out in a strange way. I love hardstyle so much. Hate current. Self-teaching flow in my shoulders and arms has been challenging but man, it really makes a difference. That's why I believe I'd enjoy Berlin so much. Netherlands seems cool and I'll go for sure, but I really wanna visit Tresor. Until then, I shall live thru a screen. Kinda funny how I used to be ashamed of being online often. The go touch grassers are screeching. But I grew up with the internet as my lens to the outside world. We were really out here at 13 yrs old staying up till 5am coding HTML for our older cousin's MySpace. *insert Snooki and Jwoww meme* What was missing for me was this. This personalization. Contemplation. Accomplishment. As I transition to the dark side of the eternet, it's sick to find others in this like -underground cyber revolution. Helluva protest to all the social media giants. Fake. Incredibly cringe logging on and you have these losers captioning their thot photos "wHaT iS YoUr fAvOrItE pArT Of VaLeNtInE's DaY?! cOmMeNt aNd nAMe YoUr fAvORiTe RoM-cOm aNd LikE iF yOu LoVe ChOcOlAtE!" -_- I'm not living under a rock. I totally get how algorithm and engagement works. But like, b!tch you do not care. Try not to make it so obviously influencer-esque. All you care about is your "followers" and "likes". Wannabes. Plastic. Desperation. In life, some people are gonna get attention and some aren't. That's just the way it is. Completely pointless to try and force yourself as someone special. You either have it or you don't. Show soul, less skin. Nothing wrong with that but try not to make it your personality. Genuine connection is overlooked. It's easy to get lost in the sauce though. As someone who prides herself in humbleness I literally just gag at the thought I was flashing my Tiffany jewelry all over. That's not me. That was me being an idiot. Reckless. Some people can barely afford gas to get to their sh!t-end job to provide for their family and have no one, and I was over here being an inconsiderate dufus. It had been building up but that was a letdown to myself on my part in my behavior and part of the reason why I'm taking a step back from those liferuiners. Well, that's all for now. Have two exams to study for so I'll work on my lil sacred space once I have some breathing room.
date: 02/12/22
song: Grouper ~ Headache
Feeling completely blah today. I can't stand the days I'm not on. Essentially useless. Headache, thirsty and down. I'm not sure if it's even necessary. The worst part is how much I yearn to ravage. Instead I just end up in a staring contest with the fluffy-pink cupcake (what even sweet is it classified under?) I don't even like Sno-balls. They remind me of the scene where Darla take a bite and finds the plastic ring. I made a fool of myself on that one app yesterday. I just get so fkn angry. Explosions. Then instant regret; embarassment even - I should never get to that point, or at least let anyone know I am that crushed. Can't help it, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Harmful. All ammunition. I'm so hungry. I need to wash my hair. I desperately want to chop it off, scared I won't be pretty anymore. Stumbled upon some garbage "Trends in 2022" article and apparently one-length, natural color, middle-part hair is making a comeback... as well as low messy buns held up by velvet scrunchies... -_-... last but not least (and my personal favorite) that thicc is out and thin is in. Called it. Literally vent about this regularly. How fashion repeats. With that comes low-rise jeans and hip bones. Inflation is my suspect. Occult. I have an eye for these sort of things. Blame it on my heightened sense of awareness. Exhausting. Exhausted. I keep trying to remember this one word, it's not sporadic, or spontaneous but similar. I remembered it the other day but cannot for the life of me recall. I dare not use Dr. G. I have faith my memory will serve me well. Eventually. I have a lot to do today, I think.
date: 02/11/22
song: Counting Crows ~ Colorblind
Destroyed by what I saw today on that one app. I usually turn a cheek. However, this particular discourse has completely broke me. Struggling to breathe. Feels like I'm screaming underwater, each gasp for air and water fills my lungs. Because I am so quiet about the whole experience, people just cherry-pick the archive and then fill in the spaces for what best helps them swallow. I understand hurt people hurt people. I'm hurt too. The pain I experienced has been life-changing. I'm not the same person I was before then. Something in me was torn out of my soul. Heart decayed to an extent. I found solace in my sorrow. Medicine in movement. A new community, a new way of life. Only to continually be robbed by my past. I didn't ask for this. Hopeless romanticism has been my demise. I push away always because I'm so scared. I respond inappropriately because I am hopeful. But at what point do I throw my hands in the air and surrender? Constantly bottling it up and letting the memories age like a warm glass of Sauvignon Blanc. Defense in dry humor. Perhaps I find comfort in sadness. It's really my true essence after all. A realist's privilege.
